EXCLUSIVE! BREAKING NEWS!!
Washington, DC, April 1, 2014
In a post-midnight session Congress passed a law early this morning eliminating April 20th from the calendar, as well as removing the number 420 from all mathematics and science.
“Numerology is manipulated by the devil as a tool, and in this case it’s a tool to spread drug addiction,” said the bill’s sponsor, Representative Melvin Towers. “This is an obvious mind control project, perhaps under Communist control, if not Arab terrorists, and it’s already corrupted the minds of millions, many of whom no longer wish to serve in our military as a result. If we didn’t do something, this number was going to create a revolution.” Towers, who spearheaded the effort, spent months planning the midnight coup. The new law states any number can be outlawed, provided there’s evidence it’s being used to enhance criminal activity. Towers cited the recent bust of an accounting office in the Bronx named 420 Multi-Services, Inc., as an example of how the number was being used to aid criminal activities.
The new law leaves thousands of major events around the country previously scheduled for April 20th scrambling to find a way to survive. Meanwhile, computer software engineers are already updating computers and calculators to deal with the new reality. Apparently, this change has been in the works for some time, because within hours the number disappeared from all office buildings, streets and street addresses inside the Beltway. In all other countries, however, the 420 celebrations and rituals may take place as scheduled, despite pressure from Washington for them to follow suit, because so far, none seem to be expressing interest.